Wants

Never hurts to remember that “your wants won’t kill you”. That’s a line I heard a lot as a kid. Those saying it had lived through long, hard years. The little they had was earned, not given. They knew to focus on the needs. They taught me something important there.

Lately my world hasn’t been the same. I want a lot of things. To be physically normal would be nice. Mental normalcy would be great. Sitting still isn’t my forte so the physical issues have caused a litany of headaches. The aching head is the biggest headache though. The dizziness and feeling as though I were drunk for the last month has stink, stank, stunk. My brain (literally) needs rest. It needs it at the time the dam has broken and it is most needed.

Someone came by again. They’ve driven me about and helped in so many ways over the last three days. It has allowed my brain to rest. It isn’t what I wanted, it’s what I needed.

Those three days of rest have my head clearer this morning. Feels like fog lifting off a bay. Typing this has the fog building again but it’s worth it to remind others to mind their needs. Dislike stopping here but I need to stop that fog.

Hope y’all are all well.

Preacher Man

Kind of an annoying breed at times. They’re just human, loaded with foibles like the rest of us. They’ll stand at the front of the room and give advice but that comment to their kid in the parking lot on the way in sounds nothing like the sermon. Funny the way it is.

Been slowly improving. That little dam breaking loose has a lot on my plate though and everybody wants something now. Couldn’t have done it all two months ago and I sure can’t do it all now. The last week saw a break that made a big difference in my mind and body. The afternoon of rest was only temporary so the fifteen hour days that followed have seen me slipping back again. By yesterday evening I was a drunk. A drunk who stumbled in to a busted pipe. A busted pipe right over things I like. I can see it, I’ve got the tools to fix it and I don’t have the ability or balance to reach it. It was a good night for good neighbors.

How did I get into this mess? I’m always telling others to rest and be mindful. Take a break and accept the help. Balance the needs of life and work for longevity. Watch over your health and don’t overextend. This afternoon sees me laid up with serious mental and physical issues due to overdoing it. (For instance, it’s unbelievably how much mental energy it takes to get this thought out.) Should be doing less or different. Maybe I should have been a preacher man.

 

Be careful….

Very careful actually. Sometimes you get what you wished for and wished you didn’t have it after all. I suppose this thought is an odd way to dip a toe back into Bloglandia but it’s the toe that got here first. Let’s see if I can explain that toe.

I’m sitting with my leg up after a long day. A thirty minute respite before feet on the floor and more “to-dos” get “to-done” while there is daylight left. This rest brought y’all to mind. When I stepped back, it was never intended to be for this long. Life kept extending the intertwined problems, the work kept piling on and the stress slowly grew. Y’all weren’t forgotten but a life comprised of work and sleep makes Jack a dull playmate. Thinking today, I wanted to check in. A scan of posts for the last day or two made me sad to have went without your companionship. Good, bad, sad, funny or steamy, you gave me different thoughts and other points of view. You have, indeed, been missed.

So, where have I been? In lowlands I suppose, I was certainly swamped! The whole story is something I intend to lay out later as it may give a deserved insight into the who and what of me but, for now, let’s recap. My “day” life and the troubles in my personal life worsened in lockstep over the last two years. By this spring they were at a head. A change that I started on a year ago was planned to arrive in February or March. It would bring a whole new normal but it was what the situation required. That change went from February to March to, finally, the end of April. Couldn’t come soon enough for me as options had basically become non-existent. For about three months my life pretty much consisted of round-robin meetings with lawyers, bankers, bookkeepers, accountants, regulators of every level and stripe, court, businesses and volunteers. There had to be a way through and it was my task to find it. Slowly but surely I did. The seemingly impossible was on track to be done by the end of April. It’s accomplishment would trigger a new flurry of work BUT, this time it would be positive. The closure of problems public and private along with the chance to finally move forward with a clear concentration on the road ahead and no burdens left behind. It would take a month of hard work but at least I’d be smiling!

So….., the end of April rolls around, the beginning of the end is days away and I’m ready for it. Excellent, let’s go! On a pretty Saturday I notice a cow in the road near my house. Send the girl to get the dogs and head out for it on the four-wheeler. Nothing fast or rushed, just beats walking. Got there, got off, and the silly cow started moving. “Might as well get turned around and get in front of her” I thought as I headed back to the four-wheeler. I don’t remember getting on, my next recollection is pavement sideways in my field of view and the lower half of an ambulance wheel rolling past. “What’s that doing here?” Turns out someone had a freak, brutal accident. That someone spent Easter and part of the following week in Neurological Intensive Care. Everything but the right thigh had damage. The skull fractures and broken ribs were the headliners of the show I suppose. Needless to say, the long awaited date was one (ironically) I couldn’t make.

The event has now come to pass. Thanks to the care of a wonderful friend who donated a week of their time, I had a good start and have steadily improved. It will be 6 months to a year (realistically) before I’m normal. (Wasn’t exactly “normal” before but you get the idea.) I started chipping away at the “to-do” list today. Slowly and patiently doing what mentally and physically can be done while always remembering that I can do more tomorrow.

The reason for all of this is simple I guess. Want y’all to know you aren’t ignored or forgotten. You are akin to those ribs, somewhat out of sight but always on my mind and certainly not forgotten. Hope you’ve been well, see you again soon.

Acerbic Doctor visits

Another evening awaiting calls. Every day and each week I think it will only be a few more calls, a few more stops and then all will be well. Money, life, choice and sanity shall abound once more. Each time a call will bring delays, complications or the unexpected. That yields another wait, another ache, another stress. It gets a bit tiring but at least those enforced waits give periodic rest. Tonight I took an easy shot at a rabbit, tried unsuccessfully to check comments and then I veered over here. It seemed a good break from the good Doctor.

Not much on TV. Don’t even have it anymore. Haven’t for years and I don’t miss it. Get alot more done without it anyway. I do miss some things though. Some of those things live on DVD for slow rainy nights like tonight. Tonight it’s the Doctor with me as I await calls. Doctor Becker to be more precise. Loved that show. Those who said he was me (but on TV) probably had a point. Haven’t watched these in years. Maybe I’ll shorten my waits 22 minutes at a time in the near future. Good enough here, back to the Doctor as I wait.

Hope y’all are well, see you again soon.

Retreat

Just a moment of retreat from the day. Can’t hurt to take a couple of minutes away can it?

As predicted, I’ve been very busy, very stressed and very tired lately. Success, if attained, will come sometime next week. The following couple of weeks will see either a ten second victory dance and lots more work or a situation I don’t want to contemplate. At this point all appears to be trending towards success but we shall see. By May (?) I hope to have this 2 year and change spiral of negative behind me. There will be a new (though I doubt “improved”) me in a new world. I’ll learn to live with whoever he is and carry on. Hope that he will have time to resume regularly scheduled activities here.

THANK YOU to all who have cared. Your notes create moments of happiness. Please don’t think that the lack of reply means they aren’t received and appreciated. They are scanned and the reader smiles for a moment before taking the next call or question. You will hear back, I promise. My few moments now involve nothing more complex than, literally, shutting off my mind for a minute and breathing. I don’t like that you wait but I really need that.

Ok, something punny. Someone shared this and I’ve been using it to get back at all the kids who treat me so, so poorly. (I volunteer and do all of the maintenance at kiddo’ school. Who invented kindergarteners? Those teachers are saints! It’s bad enough that I’m an abused Dad but…) I suffer, you suffer so here’s my punny question.

How do you catch a unique creature?

Unique up on it!

That one dovetails nicely with my typical sad humor but it did get me a point in the long running pun war with the girl.

Hope everyone is well. Back to work.

Weighty things

Ugh…, habitual behavior can cause remorse. I’m sitting, calmly waiting. There is a litany of calls to come but maybe, hopefully, the wait will be long enough to allow this thought process a way out into the light. My mind has been busy lately. One habit allows me to easily prioritize and hit “pause” for the girl. The noise stays outside the window into my mind when she is around. Her exit is my signal to hit “play” again. Another habit causes me to be careful with information and time. It’s easy to see but sometimes it annoys me. Yet another means that I revert to truncated comms. It has been pointed out to me that most folks actually don’t prefer one words commands. Go figure.

Coming into my current day job taught me how to modify or eliminate those traits. Sometimes though my nature or my habit gets the better of me. I spent earlier today starting a painful process and then (while waiting on someone) I popped in here. Seeing something of intrest caused me to read. It also caused me to reply. It’s the reply I regretted. It was honest, fair and applicable but, in hindsight, it wasn’t something most would hear as nice. In person, and with more detail, it would be heard at it was meant. I doubt I succeeded in getting my meaning across though and I think that I probably presented myself in a way that I am not. My reason here is to show a positive way and help others if possible. That said, let’s go back to earlier in my day and see if I can appease the universe by showing y’all something useful.

A facility is being shuttered and it’s killing me. I need to do it and it needs to be done but it’s nothing I’m happy about. Happy or not, I know what needs to be done and I’m doing it. Good first step is securing assets and a good first step there is a change of locks. That said, I got new locks. These are your average mid-grade entry locksets. Not the cheapest and not the best at a hardware store. The ones coming off are the commercial grade varietal that I typically go for and come from a locksmith. Their cheapest sets are better than the best at a box store. The outgoing units have been in service 15 years. They were in excellent shape with no appreciable wear and still had plenty of lube. They would have easily lasted another 15 years. The new ones are the typical thing most folks get. No lube and, maybe, a 10 year lifespan if treated well. The new ones are stamped monkey metal whereas the old ones were machined stainless & self-lubricating alloys. Seeing as I have scales aplenty, I checked. The new ones are 10 ounces and the old ones were 3 pounds 4 ounces! That’s a 5x difference. Same thing, same function but an amazing difference in quality and performance.

I’ve covered the topic before but it’s worth the reminder that we should all consider where we put our money. Look at the things you “touch” the most. Put good things there. (Note that expensive doesn’t necessarily mean good. A $50 purse and a $5,000 purse hold the same things. This is not the same as a $40 lockset vs a $140 lockset.) Get good doorknobs, faucets, shoes, tires, shingles, and a good mattress. Oh yeah, get good toys. Those cheap toys fail to titillate and then they simply fail. There is a big, big difference. Skip taking a date night. Does it make any sense to take a $50 toy to a $100 room for one night? Why not play with a $150 every night? Put your money where it matters. Nails this month or comfortable cuffs from now on?

In the long run you will be happier AND save money. A good faucet costs less than three cheap ones and it doesn’t leak!

Thoughts, examples or questions?

Roll out

Sometimes odd thoughts can float about amongst the debris of a daily routine. Such has been my world on and off over the last couple of years. “Reme-mories” is what I believe they call it in The Family Circus. As I wade into the dregs of a divorce and the pending demise of the public me and my job, I have a lot of reme-mories. One has loomed large as of late. It’s a mixture of potential fates and joy manifesting itself I suppose. The two glooms above combine with the joy of the world around me and a lot of time with my girl to bring it into the light.

Those flights, some long and some short. Some by day and some by night. I’ll admit to secretly cherishing the night rides. The noise, clearing my mind and checking it all again. Then the sign came and it was a short walk and a quick word. Like that I’m out. Floating, looking, thinking, checking, knowing what’s ahead but in awe of what’s all around. The end of those times was definite and gravity would win. Would it win in a clear, good spot or a rough patch? What condition would I be in and how would I proceed? Oh but the beauty available on the way was well worth the stolen glances.

It’s an odd reme-mory but it keeps popping up as I pause to enjoy the fall.

Hope y’all are well and know you are missed.